How I had a (Minor) High Functioning Anxiety

Hey guys, 

So this is a bit personal but I never thought I would go through this (minor) high functioning anxiety (or depression etc) till I started crying alone in the train on the way to London. My family and close friends who know me really well would know that I'm not the kind who cries in front of others. I know crying is normal and it only shows that you are human but I am one of those who are pretty much succumbed to the idea that "crying makes people see you weak" although I wish I wasn't. So crying in front of others hasn't been easy for me, and it has always been easier to just cry in bed for a couple of minutes, wash your face and just get over it.

But it was weird when I found myself crying alone within an hour train to London. I was just listening to The 1975 songs and trust me, its not that emotional, but I ended up crying still, seating next to a stranger (to think of it its kinda funny now, bet the stranger must be thinking, "What is going on with this girl ?! Why is she seating next to me?! Should I talk to her eventhough I don't want to?!"). Anyways, I just couldn't stop crying ! I usually sleep throughout my journeys whenever I travel but keeping my eyes opened in the train seemed to be the only way that I could stop making myself cry.

So, I went down to London to see my childhood friend (and his mum) whom I haven't seen for months ! I asked my aunt,

"Do you mind me asking, but what do parents really want or expect from their children?"

and next thing I knew, before she gave me an answer, I started bursting into tears.... And my aunt was just having breakfast (Lols kesiannya I bet she didn't see it coming) 

We sat down and talked for almost an hour. I told her that the last thing I want to do especially at 23 is to be a disappointment to my parents. I want to make them proud and happy. Especially the fact that my whole family coming to UK for me to graduate and I wouldn't wanna be a disappointment to them if I didn't achieve the grades we all want. Also the fact that I have told her about the many things in life I feel pressured or wanting to achieve. To summarize, she told me that in the end of the day, your parents just want you to be "successful and happy" but if you meet bumps along the way, its okay, as long as you've given it your best shot.

Then I had lunch with my childhood friend and he suddenly said to me, "I've known you for 23 years, and eventhough I have not been part of each bit of it, I'm pretty sure this is the hardest you've worked ever in your life." No joke, I had a double shift over the weekend (on Saturday I worked from 10AM - 11.30PM and on Sunday I worked from 12PM - 10PM). It was not mainly the fact that I needed money but both places I worked at were short on staff, since its Spring Break, I thought "Why not earn the extra income?". Then I had a talk with mum about my studies which I honestly like my parents reminding me about what's important in life just cause I constantly miss them, which I thought was the peak of my 'tsunami of tears' that happened to me on my journey. 

Okay so coming back to the High Functioning Anxiety thing going on yea, I wouldn't say its a huge deal honestly. The 3 terms used to describe a situation can be more dramatic than how it seems to be. I could just be going through stress or was going through a stressful situation,had too many thoughts in mind or self-inflicted pressure like I often do. By any term you want to call it, I would just say "I went through something la, it wasn't suicidal but I knew I wasn't in content or happy". But yes I do recently have developed unnecessary nail biting (no I don't bite hard but I just happen to put my nail grinding my teeth so my nails are still beautiful) and have recently got rid of touching my hair when I'm anxious just because it was getting oily from being touched too often. It sounds disgusting but am pretty sure I can get rid of the habits easily since its only been recent and I do realize when I do it, just a couple of seconds later (or maybe minutes). I laugh a lot too but I wouldn't describe it to be "nervous laughter" that is worrying, so its cool. I do still think that I'm way far behind achieving any goals I have in life, and that "I haven't been the best of a child, of a friend,  of a community-responsible human by giving through charity, of a student etc" 

If you expect me to be a person who boasts about myself or is completely confident in what I am doing, you are wrong - I am a person who is confident that what I am doing is something that I have to do and what I want to do - whether it would make me a better of a person or a more successful person, that I am not sure of - but I am ready to fail, cry and breakdown a little, and get myself back up again.

Yes I might still be going through what people claim to be as "High Functioning Anxiety" as my friends keep on telling me to give myself a break, not to beat myself up too much, and to reward myself for things I don't understand why I should. I still have a problem when people say to give it your best, I feel like no matter what I do it would never be the best, that I am capable of doing better every time. But, I am taking it as a motivation, to always be better, to constantly be an achiever and have goals. And this time, I wouldn't beat myself too bad this time, take deep breaths and believe that every decision made along the way has its own reasons and was made through thinking rationally.

Honestly though, I feel as if the things I have on my plate at the moment (final year, part time jobs and the business) is not that overwhelming cause I know no matter what, I would have to priotize my degree and everything else is along the way but having to graduate in a few months time is. Having to go through job applications, deciding if I wanna do CLP or pursue with Masters, to travel for a few months or continue working my part time jobs here in the UK till my Visa expires, or to go back and pursue my business full time is overwhelming. But I'll only be able to make my decisions along the way and only time can tell if the decisions I've made are the right ones. I'm pretty sure I'm definitely not the only one going through this - for those who have graduated from uni, this is when you can say "been there, done that". Its okay, I've got this - and I'll have to make sure that I constantly pray to Him that the decisions I make along the way are the right ones; and if they aren't, they would be decisions made with valuable lessons to learn from it. This is life.