Confessions of a Hijabi

We try to make it seem easy, but its not as easy as it looks. Wearing the headscarf means you come with the responsibility to show that Muslims are good, as most people meet Muslims first before they meet Islam.

People criticize and scrutinize us, but they forget that we are still, only human. We still have the same temptations and desires as anyone else does. And our temptations differ, like anyone else. Some of us might have temptation to get out of our comfort zone. Whereas there are some of us, who sometimes wanna keep up with what's in trend or what the world calls fashion. Although we know that some of these things are wrong, but like anyone else, we still give up to temptations. We still make mistakes. People say that we live in a liberated society, that our scarves or the way we wear our clothes, are not to be accepted as a practice within the community. But liberation can only mean so little if it does not make a person feel free from social conventions, especially with regard to sexual roles. And when people argue that we lack freedom of rights, the only freedom of rights that we do not have is to be judged by the society. So yes, please stop scrutinizing and bashing us on your social media networks.

Then there are times that they say we are terrorists, but the only terrorist out there are the ones killing others. Do we look like terrorist to you? Are we even carrying guns? Or maybe the reason we seem like terrorists to you, is because you fear the truth, that our religion is the religion of the truth. And no, we do not support those who kill others under the name of 'Islam'. In fact, we despise them. Islam is a religion of peace, although by some others, the obligations written are 'misunderstood' or 'misinterpreted'.

On the other hand, some of us like the challenge, especially myself. Waking up everyday, telling yourself, you've got to prove yourself that you are . To prove the world that although you're a Muslim woman with a headscarf, you are still educated and intellectual. Most people in the world underestimate us, thinking that women in Islam does not have rights to education are shallow enough. And nevertheless, we can still be adventurous and athletic still ! A scarf on a head doesn't change our decision making or make us less capable then anyone else. That we can still be as 'successful'. We are actually proud of our scarves, never embarrassed.

Also, sometimes we have good hair days that once in a while, the demon in us whispers to just wave it out in the air, be 'free'. But we constantly remind ourselves, on how liberated we feel wearing our scarves out, so we decide to wear them everyday anyways, although some of us still follow the temptations to open up once in a while. And no, that does not mean that our 'iman' or believe towards the Al-Mighty has decreased even a little. Beyond that, we also have bad hijab days like anyone else has bad hair days !

And no, we do not expect your pity. We expect to be treated like anyone else. With respect. Like how we are supposed to respect each others' different decisions living in a diverse community. Although it's nice sometimes to be rewarded, like how some of our friends and relatives buy us those beautiful scarves showing us their endless support. But we do not want that 'special attention' or to be treated differently. For most of us, the only reward we really expect is from the 'after-life' and that this life, that we regard as a test, will be more blessed by the Al-Mighty.

We never really mind anyone asking us about our scarves. As for most us, we made the decision to wear it by ourselves, and we aren't forced to. It is an obligation by our religion that we love most, that we feel and know is perfect. We feel protected and liberated wearing our scarf, and as women, it'd be kinda nice for us to let you know how it feels to be safe. Beyond that, the moment we put our headscarves on, we know that the society will judge us by our character and personality, rather than how we look, which is only with us temporarily. So if you're ever curious on how it feels like to go by a day atleast with a head scarf on, we would be more than happy and willing to put on the head scarf for you, even if it means using our own headscarves. We really do feel secure that when a man looks at us, he does not stare at us with the 'rape' look.

All in all, no matter what we do or how we wear it, we know by heart, that in the end of the day, we want to try wear the scarf perfectly, cover ourselves perfectly. And we will always pray and try, every day, to make ourselves better Muslims, better believers, to the one and only, the Al-Mighty. Together, insyaAllah.

Upon Selfishness

"I believe the longer we look at ourselves in the mirror, the more selfish we are prone to be. The more selfies we take, the more we would be 'full of ourselves'. The more we talk about ourselves, the more we are too self-orientated. But don't get me wrong, there are certain benefits in all this. It's just I fear that one day, the society we live in, would care way too much for themselves that they care too little for others. Would pressure themselves to keep up with the materialistic world rather than living the real world. Would help others only with intentions that they would be able to look better for themselves rather than to make others live a better life. I am afraid that the future of our society, would be filled with more selfish people rather than selfless, for the good"

Time,

"I wish to travel the world, to learn. I wish I spared more time for others, rather than myself. I wish I spent more time improving myself, increasing my skills. I wish I spent more time with my family and friends. Yet I wish I spent time working, to learn the value of money and live the reality. Yet life is so short and time is so limited. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way"

First Night of Ramadhan in Konya, Turkey

It's the first time for me to have experienced first night of Ramadhan far away from home and the whole family.

So me and my sister decided to check out what is the usual Ramadhan activity here in Konya, Turkey but it was definitely a more confused experience than we expected.

We passed by the Selimiye Mosque before the Isha' prayers and saw lots of carpets 'sejadah' spreaded on the ground outside the mosque and we were like, 'Whoa, the Muslims here really go for terawih prayers'. Locals who saw us as tourists then told us, there was a famous dance (The Mevlana Whirling Dervishes) being performed in the gardens of the Mevlana museum every Thursday night, which is only less than a kilometer walk, so we thought why not?

As we arrived, we saw the dancers sitting on the floor, waiting. So me and my sister thought they were waiting for the Isha' Prayers Calling, to perform their Isha' prayers, then only perform their dance, which we thought was part of their culture. As how Malaysia had Zapin as a culture of a dance to be performed after prayers many many years ago.

At about 10PM when Isha' prayers are being called upon, the dance started with loud music, simultaneously. We were stunned. I was disappointed and frustrated, I could feel my heart pounding, wanting to cry. Thoughts in my head were running like, "Ya Allah, it's the first night of Ramadhan. It's near a mosque. Adhan is being recited. Why wouldn't these people wait for the Adhan to finish atleast?"

We watched the dance for a few minutes. You would be able to watch it on YouTube as well if you want to, I reckon. The dancers were spinning for ages which was pretty impressive, but I guess we were too stunned to enjoy it as much. The dance seemed more as a ritual to us rather than culture. We didn't know exactly what the dance really meant to them, but we felt uncomfortable enough to leave early. Beyond that, it was getting late just for the two of us to wander around so we decided to head back, not intending to be disrespectful. For Malaysians, this was quite similar to the 'kuda kepang' dance to us as they were reciting sentences from the Quran before they started their Mevlana Whirling Dervishes.

Anyways, on our way back, we passed by the mosque again, and Alhamdulillah, our hearts were touched and we were amazed by the amount of people praying the terawih prayers in this month of Ramadhan, especially the first night. The men and women were even praying outside the mosque ! We sat down for a couple of minutes to enjoy the scene of the prayers, and left not long later.

It was a very confusing experience for us especially coming from quite a conservative country. But that's what you gotta expect out of travelling I guess, to learn and see what other cultures have got to offer you. It was definitely an experience to be remembered.