How I had a (Minor) High Functioning Anxiety

Hey guys, 

So this is a bit personal but I never thought I would go through this (minor) high functioning anxiety (or depression etc) till I started crying alone in the train on the way to London. My family and close friends who know me really well would know that I'm not the kind who cries in front of others. I know crying is normal and it only shows that you are human but I am one of those who are pretty much succumbed to the idea that "crying makes people see you weak" although I wish I wasn't. So crying in front of others hasn't been easy for me, and it has always been easier to just cry in bed for a couple of minutes, wash your face and just get over it.

But it was weird when I found myself crying alone within an hour train to London. I was just listening to The 1975 songs and trust me, its not that emotional, but I ended up crying still, seating next to a stranger (to think of it its kinda funny now, bet the stranger must be thinking, "What is going on with this girl ?! Why is she seating next to me?! Should I talk to her eventhough I don't want to?!"). Anyways, I just couldn't stop crying ! I usually sleep throughout my journeys whenever I travel but keeping my eyes opened in the train seemed to be the only way that I could stop making myself cry.

So, I went down to London to see my childhood friend (and his mum) whom I haven't seen for months ! I asked my aunt,

"Do you mind me asking, but what do parents really want or expect from their children?"

and next thing I knew, before she gave me an answer, I started bursting into tears.... And my aunt was just having breakfast (Lols kesiannya I bet she didn't see it coming) 

We sat down and talked for almost an hour. I told her that the last thing I want to do especially at 23 is to be a disappointment to my parents. I want to make them proud and happy. Especially the fact that my whole family coming to UK for me to graduate and I wouldn't wanna be a disappointment to them if I didn't achieve the grades we all want. Also the fact that I have told her about the many things in life I feel pressured or wanting to achieve. To summarize, she told me that in the end of the day, your parents just want you to be "successful and happy" but if you meet bumps along the way, its okay, as long as you've given it your best shot.

Then I had lunch with my childhood friend and he suddenly said to me, "I've known you for 23 years, and eventhough I have not been part of each bit of it, I'm pretty sure this is the hardest you've worked ever in your life." No joke, I had a double shift over the weekend (on Saturday I worked from 10AM - 11.30PM and on Sunday I worked from 12PM - 10PM). It was not mainly the fact that I needed money but both places I worked at were short on staff, since its Spring Break, I thought "Why not earn the extra income?". Then I had a talk with mum about my studies which I honestly like my parents reminding me about what's important in life just cause I constantly miss them, which I thought was the peak of my 'tsunami of tears' that happened to me on my journey. 

Okay so coming back to the High Functioning Anxiety thing going on yea, I wouldn't say its a huge deal honestly. The 3 terms used to describe a situation can be more dramatic than how it seems to be. I could just be going through stress or was going through a stressful situation,had too many thoughts in mind or self-inflicted pressure like I often do. By any term you want to call it, I would just say "I went through something la, it wasn't suicidal but I knew I wasn't in content or happy". But yes I do recently have developed unnecessary nail biting (no I don't bite hard but I just happen to put my nail grinding my teeth so my nails are still beautiful) and have recently got rid of touching my hair when I'm anxious just because it was getting oily from being touched too often. It sounds disgusting but am pretty sure I can get rid of the habits easily since its only been recent and I do realize when I do it, just a couple of seconds later (or maybe minutes). I laugh a lot too but I wouldn't describe it to be "nervous laughter" that is worrying, so its cool. I do still think that I'm way far behind achieving any goals I have in life, and that "I haven't been the best of a child, of a friend,  of a community-responsible human by giving through charity, of a student etc" 

If you expect me to be a person who boasts about myself or is completely confident in what I am doing, you are wrong - I am a person who is confident that what I am doing is something that I have to do and what I want to do - whether it would make me a better of a person or a more successful person, that I am not sure of - but I am ready to fail, cry and breakdown a little, and get myself back up again.

Yes I might still be going through what people claim to be as "High Functioning Anxiety" as my friends keep on telling me to give myself a break, not to beat myself up too much, and to reward myself for things I don't understand why I should. I still have a problem when people say to give it your best, I feel like no matter what I do it would never be the best, that I am capable of doing better every time. But, I am taking it as a motivation, to always be better, to constantly be an achiever and have goals. And this time, I wouldn't beat myself too bad this time, take deep breaths and believe that every decision made along the way has its own reasons and was made through thinking rationally.

Honestly though, I feel as if the things I have on my plate at the moment (final year, part time jobs and the business) is not that overwhelming cause I know no matter what, I would have to priotize my degree and everything else is along the way but having to graduate in a few months time is. Having to go through job applications, deciding if I wanna do CLP or pursue with Masters, to travel for a few months or continue working my part time jobs here in the UK till my Visa expires, or to go back and pursue my business full time is overwhelming. But I'll only be able to make my decisions along the way and only time can tell if the decisions I've made are the right ones. I'm pretty sure I'm definitely not the only one going through this - for those who have graduated from uni, this is when you can say "been there, done that". Its okay, I've got this - and I'll have to make sure that I constantly pray to Him that the decisions I make along the way are the right ones; and if they aren't, they would be decisions made with valuable lessons to learn from it. This is life.

Results, Results, Results

Some of us go through 'depression' when we get bad results from our exams - some of us get suicidal thoughts while some of some actually end up really committing suicide when we feel like we've tried our best but it doesn't seem to show on paper - And most of us feel as if the world is coming to an end, as if there is no future ahead of us especially since the "successful uni drop out icons" might not apply to us since we feel like we've only got one shot, and that is through university

I honestly felt that way - the last bit (don't worry, not suicidal thoughts or depression I feel like) - But the truth is, in the end of the day, those papers you've sat, the nights you've spent awake trying to perfect your assignments, they can only determine your future to a certain extent - in the end of the day, what really matters is your "life survival skills"

For most of us, we can't even recall what exact grades we've gotten for our UPSR, PMR, SPM etc. And after those major exams, we just move on to another - and it feels as if getting a degree is the last 'qualification' - but there's more to that. I am not implying that I will (or should you) take your degree/exams lightly - it is important; to make the best of what you've got right now. In fact, its crucial to make what you have now the best as you can cause you don't know what you've got laid down for you in the future. But, if you've tried your best and things don't work out, just know that there's so much that lays ahead of you - don't let those digits on a paper limit on how much you feel like you deserve in the future. That's just it, you try the best as you can but if things don't work out, you never give up ! That's the beauty of life, that you're given so many opportunities to thrive no matter what - we're all given the luxury to learn from our failures and mistakes - so long as you keep moving forward! (Also, if you are a believer, believe that He always has his own plans for you :) )

*life is too short to be upset for too long - so turn the frown upside down !*

Hitch Hiking from UK to Croatia in 5 Days

The danger of me sitting alone is checking out different ways to travel, flight fares, places to go, and I stumbled upon Hitch Hiking for charity by Link Community Development ! It was suggested by a friend on Facebook but the idea suddenly came to mind a year after...when I saw it, I knew it was something I definitely wanted to do ! But who with.... then I realised I've met the right hitch hike partner (though I've only met him for only 2-3 times) but I knew he'd definitely be up for random adventures, meeting new people, getting lost etc... and there was Marc !

It was over Spring break of my 2nd year; 2016 (3rd April 2016), the date that changed my life, much thanks to Marc for being up for it too (couldn't have done it without you) 

Day 1

We didn't really prep anything for hitch hike besides buying the biggest map ever before today (hahaha i know riight....was Marc really the right partner? Kidding hehe) We bought the map then chilled playing "Exploding Kittens" at a friend's place near UCL till 3AM, that's when we realised we needed to head back to start off early tomorrow weeeeehehehe. 

So okay, Day 1, we started off from leaving Central London at 2PM roughly and arrived at Falconwood about 4PM; where we started our first hitch. It was realllyyyy difficult to hitch tbh,  we even got assh*le drivers coming up to us asking, "Where'd you want to go? Go FUCK OFF"... but its cool, both of us were just like, "Meh, that's not gonna kill our vibe". A driver was nice enough to pick us up and send us to Dartford ! (which wasn't really that far from where we were but he said there's a  better possibility to hitch from there); then from Dartford, we hitched an empty bus to Blueswater, hoping to get a bus from Blueswater to Dover. We had to pay for the tickets though just cause we realised it was difficult to start from Central London... thats when I realised, 

I LOST MY WALLET! 

"Was so bumped cause I've never lost my wallet before !!!!! And I had about 100 pounds in that wallet as emergency money for the trip....which was dumb cause the emergency is now and I don't have the money zzzzzzz. Felt so tempted to just turn back and cancel the trip while we were still in UK but kept telling myself, I still have my passport, this trip is going to be worth more than getting bumped cause of my wallet"

When we got to Dover, we tried to hitch hike at night at the port to France. Neither did we know that we were hitch hiking at the wrong place near the port... so the POLICE suddenly came to us and told us to get into their car.....OMG I was ready for the worst to happen already... but they said they were gonna make sure we stand at a safer area *PHEW*

So we tried again hitch hiking from somewhere further from the Port which we failed to get a ride and decided to sleep at the terminal around 12AM (you can check out the video I've made how we ended up sleeping on the cold benches....which wasn't the worst scenario we were prepared for cause we even had a tent incase we get stranded hehe)

I remember we had another stranger sleeping somewhere nearby us too, and gosh it was definitely not the most comfortable way to sleep.. not being able to change to pyjamas and sleeping in the cold, still we had shelter so Alhamdulillah :)

(even had a clean area to pray Subuh when I woke up the next day)

Day 2

Me & Marc tried to hitch hike last night at the Ferry Port and it didn't work out well so we slept at the terminal. Woke up this morning at 5.30 AM just to try and hitch again but failed after 2 hours. So we took a break and decided to walk to the nearest petrol station which we met Dan who approached us and bought us £30 tickets each to Calais, France !! He also donated £40 to the charity we are fundraising for !! God bless Dan !! 

The moment we got on the Ferry, me and Marc were determined that we had to find our next "driver" to hitch hike.. We went to different floors and had the challenge of time limit since it didn't take long to arrive to Calais, France from Dover ! We asked the old couple enjoying their coffee by the corner, the Spanish couple who couldn't really speak English... pretty much everyone else... until we met Dan and Paul !  They were driving to Holland; on a business trip as part of their work with DHL. They dropped us off at Antwerp, Belgium and donated for the cause as well !

We didn't manage to get a picture with them cause the moment we arrived, there was bad traffic and it was drizzling so yea... but I still remember their faces though hehe. When we got to Antwerp, we stayed at an Air Bnb which charged us only 7.50 Euros per person when they found out we were hitch hiking for charity. Me and Marc got sooo tired from the first day so we decided to get our hot baths and slept at 9PM, neglecting our dinners (hahaha that tired okays....)

Day 3
From P+R metro at 11.30AM, we walked to the nearest petrol station. We realised it was easier to hitch from petrol stations since that's the only place we could legally stop drivers and talk to them :)
and this was our FASTEST HITCH EVER! Within just 5 minutes of waiting, we managed to hitch a ride with a lovely couple celebrating their 3rd year anniversary at Liege, Silka and Yaru 
Yaru plays the percussion and told us he knew a Malaysian song..... which he plugged it on his speakers, a nasyid song called Debu ! HAHAHAHA that definitely took me and Marc by surprise !!! IF only he knew what the song really meant though....

We were dropped off at a petrol station before Maastricht, Germany. That's when we met the amazing guy, Victor ! He first insisted on checking our documents just to make sure we were not refugees and he'd get sued for driving us around if we were refugees. Next thing we knew, we were on a blabla car with Victor (from Moldova), Lovely (from Phillipines) and Kamal (from Afghanistan). Victor kept on telling us that Kamal was the one insisting that they shouldn't leave us stranded there at the petrol station... well God bless both of them !  

Victor offered us to stay at his place in Aschaffenburg, Germany ! (which me and Marc had problems pronouncing the place the whole time) hahaha. Victor kept insisting that it was God who sent him in to buy coffee at the station (because he never stops at long drives usually) and meet us

We slept at his house with his girlfriend, Tatiana. We got the mattress and the floor which we were beyond thankful for in his humble home. He told us that his girlfriend cooked us dinner (That's when I was thinking like ya Allah, please let it be fish or seafood cause I really don't wanna deal with the Halal food problem now), and alhamdulillah, they cooked us fish and salad for dinner ! Which was soooooo goood !!

Day 4

We got up at 8AM to the smell of cappuccino..... such a bliss. He even packed for us sandwiches to bring along for the trip (Ya Allah you have no idea how thankful I felt especially the fact that I lost my wallet then). He dropped us at the nearest petrol station to the highway which we got picked up by Haans who is on a business trip from Koln. 

(Mad respect for this guy; he still goes dancing with his wife every once in a week even with his busy schedule) 

He dropped us off at the highway from Nuremberg, Germany towards Munich. Then we got to hitch another car !

It was by a guy named Florian; a mechanical engineer from a small town near the border of Austria, driving a BMW and was from a business trip in Nuremberg, Germany. (Can't seem to find a picture with him though but he was pretty fit). Another guy to have mad respect for.... he goes mountain cycling every weekend (or hiking or skiing depending on the weather) and goes for kung fu every Wednesday.... hmm what do I do every week besides sleeping and going for classes.... 

He dropped us off at a parking spot near Munich by the highway which was pretty dead tbh so me and Marc were kinda prepared to just camp there if anything...

We tried hitch hiking for Salzburg but met our hero, Marino ! He's a marine engineer, has a girlfriend who works for the European Commission and they've been together for 11 years !! (Also recently just got married over summer) #relationshipgoals 

He was on the way to Ljubljana, Slovenia to meet his fiance so we followed his route straight to Slovenia ! We slept in a youth hostel there where me and Marc managed to check out Slovenia a little bit 

Day 5

After many long hour drives in the car, I decided that I needed a jog in the morning and discovered Ljubljana further, knowing that I'd want to come here again one day 

and Marino contacted us, dropping us the GREAT NEWS !

That he'd want to go down to Rijeka, Croatia (our final destination) to see his brother a little.... and so he brought us to his brother's house :)

God Bless Marino !

We got to our last destination, Rijeka !! Contacted Linked about our safe arrival, then me and Marc decided to chill a bit in Rijeka before heading back to UK. 

Marino's brother; Andro, is one of the most talented jazz drummer I've ever met ! 

He was nice enough to invite us for a jamming session with his 2 othr friends, Phillip and Irgo, then at night we went to Phillip's gig at a cafe called "Living Room" (Dnevni Boravak)

We chilled there with the locals, taking our time discovering Rijeka and decided to make our journey home from Pula on the 7th day of our trip (that's when we heard the calling of our datelines and assignments hehe) 

Though we were tempted to hitch our way back, we knew we had to get ourselves back to uni ASAP and the trip was memorable enough as it was short and pleasant :) 

Though the trip was months ago, I wrote everything down daily in my phone, waiting for the right day to post it... as 2016 was coming to an end, I decided that a tribute to one of the most amazing highlights of this year needed to be written down :) 

Check out our video on Youtube or down here !

of (impulsive decisions) and strangers' cars

If there was one thing that I enjoy in life is I live for those random moments, that random conversations with strangers or sudden trips....(but I'm not stupid, like I'll run away rather than towards a man with a gun)

But anyways, I had to go Subway earlier today to defrost breads for tomorrow's sales since we are closed today. Subway's only 15 minutes by bicycle from my uni and I didn't have my bicycle with me earlier today so I decided to just hitch a ride and maybe cycle back just cause it was getting dark and cold so why not.... My flatmate ordered food to deliver and I asked the delivery man if he could send me off to Subway and he said 'Yes!' which is so awesomeeeeeee cause I just needed to defrost breads at Subway for 10 minutes

He's a guy who left his family behind in Afghanistan, finding for money. And he was saying how he was single and all....which didn't really bother me until he asked me when my next shift at Subway was (which obviously I didn't tell him) hahahaha but I got freaked out that  I started talking about religion a lot and pronouncing the word Allah a lot in our conversation hoping if anything at least he'll have conscience and I was whatsapping my friend the whole time, my seat belt wasn't on and I was just ready to jump out if anything (I had to accompany him for a delivery about 15 mins drive) Okay, this sounds more dramatic than how its supposed to be but I mean I've hitch hiked across Europe before so how bad can it be to get a ride to somewhere so nearby anyways...... And I was prepared for the worst if anything hahaha (okay, I'm not naive okay)


But he was cool and sent me off. He insisted on waiting to send me back to uni but I insisted that its okay since I left my bicycle nearby and would cycle back to uni. The door at Subway couldn't budge open apparently it has been quite faulty the past few days, so I decided to just tell my manager and grab my bicycle home.... only to find out that I left my key behind !!! YA ALLAHHHHHH

It was dark already so I went to the nearest kebab shop open, got myself some chicken wings and talked to the worker a bit who's Romanian and said it'd be nice if I chill longer at the shop since there is nobody and he's alone for Christmas, so I said okay and we talked a little until his boss came back

The owner of the shop is from Sri Lanka and moved here 22 years ago, opened the shop for 9 years and has 2 kids. He was busy telling me about if anything was to happen to me, if I were to be dead or something, it would've happened, whether I was walking to Subway or hitch hiking, just to be careful and not be dumb, to be aware of the surrounding the whole time, which is what I totally can relate to.

We talked and talked then he had to do another delivery so he told me he'll send me off to uni (Yayyyyyyy ! OR I'll be walking back in the dark alone instead hmmmm). I didn't have much money with me okay so if I were to offer someone money instead of me it definitely had to be worth more than 10 pounds haha

Had to accompany him to do a few deliveries and went to another kebab chain in town, apparently that was his friend's shop. You'd think they're competitions but they help out each other. Pretty cool eyy ?

Got myself to uni after accompanying him for 20 minutes of delivery food while eating in his car, and at the few last minute bit, I told him I had a business in Malaysia too ! He was more than thrilled and asked if I wanted to work with him for advertising and marketing a little and I'll get paid (imagine that!) .... he was actually looking at doing business together but there's a lot more to that and idk how we can even work together I only just met him and am still studying heh


Thats pretty much how random Christmas of 2016 was for me, it has been another wild and crazy year ;)

(I know I can do stupid impulsive things that makes you go like "there she goes doing something crazy again" but I pretty much know (and hope) what I am doing most of the time kays hahahaa)


Also, believe it or not, I feel like its more dangerous to hitch hike a person nearby where you live rather than outside since they'll find out more about your routine and lifestyle easily so am definitely not planning to do anything like this again..... hahaha oh wells, Alhamdulillah that I'm safe and sound home now :)



This post might make you worry bout how I make decisions in life cause it sounds dramatic but "all is well"